I'll be leaving...

I'll be leaving from the city I live at to my birthplace where I was born. I've been going through a lot of emotions lately I just can't bare. I was planning on waiting till I have my return taxes and then leave a two week notice at the job and have my mother help me move out. I've been so stress out over the months and I couldn't figure out why I was so damn miserable? Well I know why.

First of all I'm being awfully home sick from not seeing my siblings and others since being on my own.

Second of all, I had spend time is with friends like they are my second family.

Third of all I'm working all the time never really get to be myself.

Fourth I've been looking for help but it seems I'm doing everything on my own and feel hopeless.

Fifth my relationship and i feel I'm losing feelings for him because... Lately I realized there isn't a spark between us. I don't feel bonded with him at all more like friends than fiance's. But there is more to the story. Yes I do love and care for him but... I seem to see his true colors. I know there was something with us but.. Honestly what makes me feel this only now? Well this past week before I got really sick with a damn flu virus. Well a week ago I was just off from working late at night and just as usual the house was quiet.. I went on the porch and had my keys. As I made it to the door to unlock I saw a shadow approaching to the window and peeping through and made a scene as if I was some criminal. As I came through the door I immediately freaked out seeing my own fiance in defense mode and was hiding something behind him. He was going to attack and my reflects took me back and cover my face so I wouldn't be hit and said, " No stop its me!!" He stop when he realized it was me and ran upstairs and I was wondering what he was hiding. Last night he told me that night he had a hand held gun pointing at me even before I came waltzing in. And then I was like oh now that explains it. It scared me even thought I was lucky to be alive. Im so happy to be alive but at the same time I feel unsafe... I'm not afraid of him but its the weapon. Maybe I can be a bit afraid of him but not as really. He has pull a knife on me one night when I returned home cause of the same reason. I feel like what if I'm not lucky next time. That's what terrifies me. But then he shows me a binder and I opened it. It was a picture of his dead ex girlfriend before she was murdered by her father in the fire. I was feeling sad at first but then I was feeling rather disturbed as I look through it. Not only obituaries of her but her murderous father. It seems although in detail he wants revenge and kill her ex's father. I looked completely blink as I closed the binder. I was speechless and I couldn't find the words for this. Then he tells me he wishes to save her and possibly die with her to see his dad. I even grew more quiet and felt something hit my heart not that feeling bad but more like heart break. Everything inside me I was falling down to pieces him saying that. He kept on saying with his monotone voice , "I could of saved her. I was going to throw that away why do I still have it?" I don't answer. He asked me what was wrong I said nothing but rather fighting tears back. Then with my head down I hand him back the binder and told him why don't he throw it away? I don't remember exact words that he said but something triggered me to snap.

"Ok OK stop saying that!? Stop blaming at yourself and see who you have right in front of ya! You gotta move on with the past that's what you would tell me. I'm doing it so why arnt you!? Look im sorry about the deaths but please..."

Then instead of trying to make him see the girl whos right in front of him (me) he says, "I wanted to save her." Then hearing this I felt emotional but his it and so I told him I'm heading to bed so I could kick him out.
But then when I would tell him about how his mom was treating me he wouldn't even listen and says she's concern but to me its not concerning at all. I'm not a bitch but when something bothers me it eats me up so eventually I stop telling him about it and move on and try to get along as possible. But then one day he asked me if I had been cheating on him and I said no. Then he would constantly pressure me and asked if I had paperwork done and I relently say no or yes. He says I'm not pushing you but yet he has a piece of paper of stuff on the wall. It made me annoyed. Yes he's a nice guy and everything but now, I'm being push to the limit I want to leave on my own. But what really triggered my decision for leaving is because when he told me when I told him my sis was moving down this summer after graduation and then he had this annoyed look and says to me he doesn't want my sister around and not to go near her then tells me to do the same and I'm like she's my little sister you can't stop me from seeing her and he tells me shes a psycho crazy pushy bitch that need pyshc theropy. Although I didn't say anything and my heart drop like the ship sanking into sea drowning like in titanic. So I made my decision to leave maybe a month by now. I'm tired if it. I've told friends that I'll return to visit and its hard with tears when you are close and can't let go and want to last forever but it can't. I'm tired of how the mother treats me like I'm a criminal and now I see the true colors. What type of people try to make you not see your own family? Well it happens to everyone so in case if I'm not on da on that time cause I'm moving that's it don't worry I'm not leaving da.